Every time you do "something wrong,” do you tell yourself something along the lines of...
It’s okay. You were distracted/ tired/ emotionally triggered; cut yourself some slack. How can we handle this better if a similar situation arises in the future?
-OR-
do you...
Call yourself a bunch of names and then move on without ever finding a solution so that you are better prepared for next time...?
If the latter response resonates with you, do not worry. You are not alone. Many of us are in verbally abusive relationships with ourselves. The good news is that through intentional effort and consistency, we can learn to do better!
Everyone probably knows that it is not good to beat yourself up. But why? What's the big deal other than not being nice to ourselves? Well, that is what this post is about.
Beating yourself up could be majorly preventing you from reaching important personal goals. It can hold you back in school, in your career, and in your relationships with others.
Whether you are having difficulties at work, in your relationships or really any other area of life, this could be a big culprit as to why you find yourself banging your head against the wall; constantly facing the same problems; stuck on a hamster wheel. It is very possible that you don’t have a growth pattern. Instead, your default response to certain challenges is self-destructive.
How do I know if this is me?
This self-destructive pattern could present itself as a verbally abusive relationship with yourself. Or it could be a victim mindset (in which you always feel attacked and have difficulty receiving constructive, even helpful, feedback.)
Both can prevent us from being able to gain wisdom out of valuable feedback and experiences. Both can prevent us from being able to squeeze life-changing lessons out of every mistake and failure. Instead of growing wiser and more prepared for next time, we beat ourselves and then never extract anything valuable from the experience. Heck, we may even store the experience as a new trigger, further preventing ourselves from ever being able to dig deeper to gain wisdom from it.
Even as I am writing this post now, I am concerned that some of you may start beating yourselves up as you read this.
STOPPPPPP!
It’s not typically your fault if your mindset and coping skills are destructive instead of helpful. It is very likely that you inherited this mindset and learned such coping skills from your parents, siblings, or immediate surroundings while growing up and you had no ability to choose those factors as a child. Not to mention, any traumatic events or experiences you endured would have built up certain defense mechanisms and created triggers which helped you survive, but later on in life these can limit you and become your prison.
Blaming the people or situations from your childhood won’t help either though. The best course of action (besides counseling) is to take a step back and begin observing what is going on in your head from a more objective standpoint. Notice how you talk to yourself. Maybe you don't call yourself names, but instead you judge and minimize your feelings. You set grossly unrealistic expectations for yourself and then get upset when you don't meet them and constantly feel like a failure, a downward spiral that can quickly get out of control.
How do I get out of a verbally/emotionally/or physically abusive relationship with myself?
GOOD PLACES TO START:
Again, try to observe how you treat yourself from a more objective standpoint. Imagine someone in your life who you know cares about you. What would they say if they heard your thoughts towards yourself?
Try to trace the root cause. Oftentimes we are calling ourselves whatever names our parents, siblings, schoolmates, or employers have called us in the past. When someone has mistreated us, sometimes, without even realizing it, we take over the abuse for them after they are no longer in the picture.
STOP blaming yourself for having destructive coping skills but also be careful to not get caught up in blaming the people above. This will lead you no where in your healing. I know this is MUCH easier said then done. If you can try to imagine that they underwent the same abuse as a child and are perpetuating the cycle without even realizing it, this may help a little. (Counseling will help even more!)
Surround yourself with people who truly care about you and give you good advice. People who validate your feelings and encourage you. When others speak kindly to you on a regular basis, you will learn how to speak kindly to yourself. The more often you hear others tell you that- "It's okay to feel upset about this. Give yourself some time." Or "You are very intelligent. I have no doubt you can do this."- The easier it will become to talk to yourself in the same manner.
If you cannot find any genuinely good humans who care about you and speak life into you right now, search for some motivating YouTube coaches who provide fashion, beauty, fitness, or other self-improvement tips. I have found many YouTubers in the relm of self-improvement who are very loving and encouraging to their followers. Many of my favorites often say in their videos something along the lines of... you are beautiful just the way you are and these tips are only to help you enhance your beauty, health and boost your mood & confidence. Find some healthy, positive influencers to follow online! (Koboku Fitness is the first one that comes to mind for me.)
Get going with positive daily affirmations. I consider this a more advanced step than the others, but I also have found it to be the most effective and it can produce the quickest results when implemented correctly. Write down nice things to yourself and read them out loud as often as possible. FEEL the emotion behind them as you read them. This part is KEY in gaining results and is a tried-and-true method for re-programming the brain. You are basically countering the years of negative self-talk and over enough time this will begin undoing the damage it has caused to your self-esteem.
I want you to know that YOU can DO this!! Your brain IS extremely adaptable and highly programmable. I know this to be a fact because I have achieved amazing results in my own life, since I first began spending a lot of time working on improving my tone of self-talk and re-programming my brain through positive affirmations. This has helped me to move past many fears, anxieties and insecurities. It has allowed me to break through my limitations and reach new levels. If I can succeed at this, I know you can too!
If you are excited and motivated to begin your journey of healing and ready to make intentional efforts to change your default response from self- harm to self-help, please feel free to comment below. Let's change these destructive patterns to growth patterns and become all we can be!
*If you are experiencing any thoughts of physically harming yourself, please seek out professional medical attention or call a mental health crisis hotline immediately.
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (Available 24/7): 1-800-273-8255
This blog is meant for general advice and tips only and is not to replace treatment or visits with your healthcare providers.
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